Devo's Rainy Day Playlist

When the rain is falling I love to curl up on the couch, clutching a good book and a cup o' tea with these tunes running in the background.

Caution: may cause bouts of dancing

Yiruma - A River Flows In You

Go ahead, put it on repeat... 

Augustana - Sunday Best

"don't look back. don't look back..."

The Honey Trees - To Be With You

"Oh I could sail the world,

Search through the darkest waters but

I'd never find 

These golden eyes"

Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her

"...Can't see past her scarlet letter

and we never even met her..."

Ingrid Michaelson - Parachute

"Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night

and you are you're own worst enemy, You'll never win the fight"

Walk The Moon - Anna Sun

"We got no money but we got heart"

-Also, I'm going to learn how to dance from this guy-

Awolnation - Sail

"Blame it on my ADD baby

...SAIL..."

Adele - Rolling In the Deep

"Throw your soul through every open door

Count your blessings to find what you look for

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold

You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow"

The Afters - Beautiful Love

"Maybe our love will catch like fire

As it burns through me.."

The Power of Forgiveness

I wrote this a while ago in my old blog, but I think it would be fitting to share again

Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life-Proverbs 4:23

Have you really considered what that means? What does it mean by "guard" and "wellspring".  Traveling always allows me a unique time of self-discovery via soul searching.  This verse has a whole new meaning.

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks-Matthew 12:34

My mouth can run away from me at times.  Right after that moment: "GASP, why did I say that? It's not like me..."  We have a filter to learn how to be socially acceptable.  Though my appearance and character may seem like I have good intentions, I have thoughts that are troubling. I think it's my mind that's troubled... but it comes from the heart. It is a bitter, 'broken', rotting heart that causes these 'unspeakable' moments... The heart comes out in every aspect of life, wellspring.  This bitterness I'm becoming aware of, carries over into my new relationships, into my job, my school... family. Everything.

I always thought I was made bitter. I think this way because someone owes me something.  He stole something from me. He owes me my happiness! Do you hear your own words!? He didn't do what I expected. So HE made me unhappy and bitter.... really? Now, that's not right.  Makes me giggle now talking it through.  It is me who is letting him control my life still...years later. He's keeping me from being happy? HA, no silly, YOU are letting it hang over you. YOU are doing it to YOURSELF. The true source of my bitterness is just projected upon him. Because really, he did nothing. He owes me nothing. Even if he did, what can he do to make it better? Nothing. You can't change the past. I made a point to clear him of his debts. To forgive him. Let it go. Symbolically through fire, there is nothing left to dwell on, just the next chapter of my life.

During this 'revolutionary forgiveness' I discovered a few layers of my heart.  There, buried deep in my sub-conscience, I found what was truly bothering me. I can't forgive myself. I am angry with me. I couldn't admit it, let alone fix it!  Funny how clearly one can see, once the step is taken back.  I was living in this daydream for so long.  It should have popped sooner.  This anger isn't from me, it couldn't be me. I am perfect, flawless, everything anyone could want.... of course it's not me .Silly girl, swallowed in self-pity. Make the world feel sorry for me, I'm the victim!  Now I see, standing in my own destruction. First step-seeing what it truly is. Second, acceptance.

Mr. Time has taken his toll. I can't change the past, but I can decide how the past controls me.  This is all very silly, really.  I can actually laugh out loud now!  When I told him I forgave him, he wasn't the one in need of forgiveness, I was!  The liberation of this realization!  My smile is genuine again!  I can talk to him again and giggle at how silly it really was.  I was just three years behind  in the high school drama department.

That chapter has ended now. Thankfully, I can carry on.  My heart one step closer to being free of bitterness!  I'm not about finding my husband. A side story dealing with a second relationship where my bitterness ruined is where all this soul searching started.  Glad  I have that over with as well. Sooner the better! I know now that companionship is not what this heart is longing for-maybe eventually, but not now. Adventure. There is so much to discover and learn and to grow! That is what my new chapter is titled.  It may break me, financially and spiritually, but I am so excited! I'll take it. If i find companionship along the way, great! However, that is not my goal. New friendships from new faces in new places!

I.

Will.

Win.

For where your heart is, there your treasure will be also.

Am I just THAT awkward, or has society changed THAT much?

What happened to feeling welcomed when you walk into the front doors of a church?  I remember feeling apart of a family once. One that genuinely cared for ANYONE who stepped through their doors not just the young and "potential."  

My grandparents have been to a countless number of churches since they've lived here over the 10 years.  Why haven't they found one that stuck? They have friends visit from their time in Cody and the church family they had there. What's the difference? When they were in Cody, they had children. The children brought the families together through activities. Now that they're elderly, they're constantly over-looked as if they have no value (or at least, that's how they feel). I've walked into a number of churches by myself since I've moved away from home. I've always wanted to run away at some point. I even joined a small group for a short time and never felt like I belonged. I kept going, thinking I'd meet some people and have a good friend base. Three years passed and I know no one noticed me move, do they even remember my name?
  
What is wrong with this picture? What do I have to do to find a place of worship, fellowship and growth with some quality people to eventually develop friendship? The last two attempts of a new church, everyone had their own  little cliques. They didn't give me (or my one and only friend) a second glimpse, even when we sat next to them.

I know I cannot be the only one.  What if someone who doesn't have a personal relationship with Christ walks into one of these doors and feels as alienated as I did? They probably wouldn't give it a second chance. This is a problem that breaks my heart. It's not just church either. It's society.

When did our society stop caring about people? How many of you actually know your neighbors? We all lock up our cars and houses because we don't trust anyone. Just 10 short years ago I remember our neighbors looked out for each other. Now we are lucky to know their names.  Walking around campus no one makes eye contact or smiles to say a simple "hello." Everyone is wrapped up in their own little worlds of cell phones and iPods barely noticing the world around them. 
Then there's Facebook.
What happened to calling people because you genuinely care about them and what to know how they are? What happened to paying home visits just to fellowship? (Or my personal favorite, snail mail?)
I don't like what I am observing, and I don't know how to solve it. They say "be the change you want to see in the world" but I'm afraid it will take more than that. 
At least it's a start. 

You don't even need a hammock.

If you had to pick a last meal, what would it be?
If you could do one thing before you died, what would you do?
If you wanted to be remembered for one thing, and only one, what would it be?

When you realize how fragile and fleeting life is, you pick out what's important.
It may even surprise you.
Birds singing.
Flowers blooming.
Children laughing.
What is heard when you stop the noise of every day life.

It may have taken me twenty minutes and 70 different combinations but I can sway in a hammock with my butt actually off the ground (yeah, definitely spoiled). There's only a short time that I can enjoy this delicacy. Being so far north, winter comes fast. Also, my tether trunks are trees that grow apples (and we all know the story of how gravity entered our history books). Besides the point. I went out with the intention of napping on a warm spring afternoon. It had to be a perfect 70 degrees with just the right amount of breeze under a canopy of leaves. Sleep did not come to me. I found myself instead listening to all that was happening around me. Birds chattering, people bbq-ing in backyards, families playing Frisbee in the field of grass and children giggling delightfully at the park. I find it amazing how much I take this life for granted. 'Tis truly a beautiful world. It only takes a quiet moment to stir the heart. I am a stranger in a new city, unemployed and definitely not studying for finals. And that's (boredom?) what it took for me to actually stop and listen. It has been there all along.
It is a beautiful world, take a moment to enjoy it. You don't even need a hammock.

Spiders, lobsters and Yoga-oh my

Why are spiders so scary? I know it's probably just me, but I can take a live, crawling, pinching, weird-eyed lobster and plop him in a vat of boiling water just fine (they scream, by the way). Then take a knife and dismember them. But I can't sleep if I see a spider scuttle across my floor into some unreachable space. Terrified. Really? I have to ask myself but there is no answer.

On another note. I have a set of goals for this summer. I won't overwhelm you with them all, but today I thought I should pick up meditation. A little birdy told me it was good for concentration-needed- and I also read that it is the act of listening...apparently I'm terrible at listening. I can't sit my body still for ten minutes (maybe why college didn't go so well) let alone still my brain for any amount of time!
Challenge accepted.
The key is  not to fall asleep.

Sleep has been a stranger to me for some time now. Maybe a meditation/sleep combo won't be so bad.
Spiders under my bed, challenges to figure out along with tasty meals to make for my grandpa before he loses his appetite are going to keep me up this night.

The search for meaning and the growth in listening

As a human I am always searching for a meaning in life or that feeling of fulfillment. My thought was that I will find fulfillment in this crazy game when I carry out my purpose. As a Christian,  I find my comfort in my Lord Jesus. Yet I never felt like I was on the right path; not where He wanted me to be.
For the first time in my 22 years of life, I finally feel I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.  My hope for this blog is to document my journey of growth and self-discovery.
Here's a brief background:


God's part is to place us where He wants us; our part is to shine. 


God gave me a servant's heart. I'm a shy little girl who loves being behind the scenes.  In school, I chose a career path in the service industry and graduated with two associates. It still didn't feel right (however, at the point, I wasn't exactly "walking on the right path" either).  So I continued my education at the University.  Without going to into great detail, God set up the right amount of road blocks to get my attention and change my direction (nothing like I had planned to say the least).
As the longest academic year of my life finally drew to an end, I had no desire to continue school, living under the poverty-line working miserable part-time jobs or even continue to live in that town. I didn't have too many options.
My grandfather broke his back while vacationing in the south over the winter. Later, it was determined that his spine was compromised by our greatest fear, cancer. No one ever wants to hear that word.  As I watched my own father's heart ache with an unspeakable pain, I felt my own heart breaking.  Not just for him, or my grandfather, or even me.  
My grandmother has a special influence on my life. As far back as I can remember, she was there. Teaching me how to cook, how to sew, how to be a homemaker-my greatest dream.  To think of what trials she was about to face, I knew what I had to do. Funny how perfect things works out. I needed a place to live without rent (or job) and figure out my life. My grandmum needed an extra pair of hands and maybe a shoulder.
So here I am. A semi-college-dropout (I do plan to continue my schooling...someday), living in my grandparents' basement without a job.
I know it's not going to be easy. How can a spirit be prepared for whatever horrors such a disease can bring? Psalm 46:10 has never been so arduous or prominent: "Be still and know that I am God."  


I put my itching hands to work by becoming a full-time maid (or something like that).  Almost like this is what I was created for. As I adjust to this kind of life, figuring out how I can help best, I am learning a lot about love. My spirits are lifted with the hope of a life-long companionship such as my grandparents'.
There is much more to come. Learning how to listen and follow, how to become a homemaker first hand (without the marriage part), about my dear grandparents, my own parents and a lot about love and perseverance. 


I don't know what to expect, but I hope I will learn how to shine through this dark period.