Just Watching Flamingos

People are funny, funny creatures. We think we are so random or unique but really, SOOO predictable. Yet, I'm constantly surprised.

Every girl grows up with a prince charming dancing in their imaginations. Some reason though, I didn't. I didn't want to get married, and I certainly didn't want children. Suddenly that mindset changed. It wasn't even the growing up part-though I am sure that's part of it. The biggest curve-ball, was the fact that I didn't even see it coming. If you would have told me four months ago I would be engaged before the end of the summer, I would have laughed orange juice out my nose.

I moved into my grandparents' basement in hopes of change in scenery to refresh my spirit. I was pretty depressed after the "worst year of my life!" (soo dramatic...) I didn't come searching for a mate per say, but certainly that's always in the back of my mind. I came to help but also for a new sort of adventure. Of course I start trying to meet people and find myself measuring guys up to see if I would date them. Ridiculous, I know! I was getting annoyed with it myself. Thinking about starting another relationship sounded more exhausting than exciting... red flag? Right when I was starting to consider how to become a nun, a thought struck me out of the blue sky-or burrito more like. I remember it clearly....

Mary was my "adopted Sheridan mother" during my time in Sheridan. I, along with my boyfriend at the time, were good friends with her son. Jeffrey joined the Navy and disappeared off the face of the earth (Wyoming is pretty much it's own planet).  I grew up in the military. My Dad was Army and is now National Guard, my uncles and aunts are all military in some form, and my brothers both did their share. I'm no stranger to how tough that life can be. So  tried to encourage him with letters and care packages because that's what friends do.

Distance is another funny thing. The first year of his being over in South Carolina, we weren't able to talk much. He was pretty busy being molded into US property and I was still going steady in school. But then school ended, decisions had to be made and....that's where my "hard time" started. For some reason, Jeffrey trusted me. Even before he left, he would tell me things that he normally wouldn't tell his friends. And even stranger, I understood how confidential this really was and didn't tell anyone. It wasn't until he was gone that I was able to confide in him. Was it because he trusted me first? Or just the fact he knew both sides of the story and still chose to talk to me. I felt pretty lucky to have such a good friend, even if he was thousands of miles away. The second year we were able to talk more, and so we did.

I would talk through all my struggles with him because I lacked those deeper level friendships that would understand.  He would tell me the truth. I believed him. Likewise, he would share his own doubts and insecurities. We talked about literally everything. Awkward, weird, crazy, off the wall, you name it! We got serious sometimes, too. We both struggled in our love lives. As friends, we could talk about such things. I would tell him about certain guys I was interested in to get his "guy info" view and I would do the same for him (friend zone flag). This is probably the greatest friendship to have. We were honest from the get-go.  We never had to try and impress each other, so we never "put up a face." From just having fun together came honesty and through that honesty came the truest form of love. We weren't trying to gain points from being the better friend. We weren't keeping tabs. We were just two young souls trying to make sense of the world and before us was the greatest gift you could have.

By the end of that year, we both realized how awesome we were and he was truly my best friend.


Mary was bringing her father to the hospital in Billings for treatments and appointments and such, and since I was here now, we would try to meet up, even if it were just for coffee. This particular day, however, was a little more exciting. Jeffrey had finished his schooling in South Carolina and was on his way home for a month before he was to be stationed in California. I haven't seen this kid in two years. I was pretty stoked to say it mildly. Mary and I decided to meet for lunch and over my burrito we were reminiscing over what Jeffrey had really accomplished. It was rather interesting to get his mother's raw view of the situation. While listening to this mother talk about her son with such pride, I heard the faintest of voice in the back of my head, "the key to a man's heart is through his mother." In which I replied, "If I were ever to date Jeffrey, I'd have that in the bag!" I quickly pushed the thought from my mind. Jeffrey was my best friend and I did not want to ruin it with something so silly! Not only that, but the fact that he was one of my ex-boyfriend's best friends AND to top it off, I was friends with Jeffrey's ex-girlfriend who was still nursing her wounds from their break-up. I couldn't do that to her and neither could Jeffrey do that to his friend. That's breaking every guy/girl code in the book! One mess I'd rather steer clear of.

I saw Jeffrey the following day. I met with him and his dad for some lunch before they went up to the airport to pick up Jeffrey's sister. It was Sunday and I was still wearing my dress from church. I could have changed, but for some reason, I wanted to look nice-though I wouldn't admit it ;). I was half expecting the conversation to be awkward. I have hung out with his parents quite a bit actually since he's been gone, but having not seeing this kid in years I thought it was be like re-meeting. Oh how I was mistaken. It was as if he never left.

A little part of me flipped with excitement. Now I was in a pickle. The person I would usually run to at this time was the person I was questioning about. Should I just stick my neck out there or will it turn the whole friendship awkward when he didn't feel the same? Was just lonely or was I truly falling in love?  Then there was the awful triangle mess. I resulted to dismiss the ordeal as nothing....well sort of. As a giddy little girl, I had to know. So I cornered him to make him talk. I like to think I know him a little and I could tell he wasn't telling me something. Or it was more like I was hoping I was interpreting it right and wasn't an idiot.

I got my answer during our late-night texting.  I can't really remember the conversation or how it went but I do remember his exact words of one text in particular: "I am actually falling in love with you." (alcohol and texting, it just somehow makes you brave) So I wasn't and idiot. I wasn't alone. But instead of jumping with excitement, I cried.

I can see why men are so confused by females. I'm confused by myself constantly and I can never explain it. Why was I crying? Isn't that what I wanted to hear? I even had an inkling that it was coming in the first place.  It was at this point all the questions and doubts started to flood in. What about my friend? What does he think about that? What if it feels like I'm dating my brother? What if we don't work out and we end up never speaking again? I cannot lose my best friend.

The next morning his words were constantly buzzing through my head and I had a new sensation come over me. I was content. Again, I couldn't explain why.

Through all our discussions we had a mutual understanding of what dating was all about. It was about finding your spouse. We knew each other's values and goals in life, and I already loved him as a friend. After a short discussion, we agreed to try the dating thing. I finally convinced myself with the thought, "hey, what could be better than possibly marrying your best friend?" After the first kiss (didn't feel like kissing my brother!) I knew that this was fate and started laughing. (once more, female emotions are confusing) It all made perfect sense! After everything that happened that past miserable year, I'd run to Jeffrey, I valued his opinions and when he told me I believed him. All this time searching for someone to have by my side forever, and he was right in front of me the whole time! (Meanwhile he was just trying to conquer the friend zone.)

It didn't take long to realize that I knew I would marry this man.

God Winks

Taking a plate full of gnawed-raw corncobs across the driveway, thinking about how much I loved lemon cookies' sweet crumbs lingering in my mouth, when a meteoroid  streaked across the twilight sky interrupting my thoughts in mid-stride. As I watched the remnants fade back into the  murky sky my heart smiled. "Shooting star, make a wish" I said but I could not come up with anything. Am I the only one that thinks there is time limit on wishing stars? If you have to think too long about a wish then maybe you don't even need one.     Instead, my heart smiled. Not with excitement or twitterpation (now a word), but of sweet contentment knowing everything is going to be just fine. Maybe even more than fine, but absolutely wonderful in its own way. Perhaps it was just a wink from the Big Guy reminding me who's really in control.

There's so much going on. All the time. My people-pleasing attributes turn into faults. Summers may be more stressful than Christmas season!  Though through all of this, I can't help but smile. I have been so blessed in so many areas of my life. I have a family and friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. But when they all start to collide, I forget where to put my focus. It is quite funny how fast and frequent priorities shift. There's always a moment when I feel my decisions hurt people and I can't help it. Some decisions are more selfish than others, but a girl is allowed that every once in a while, right?

A lot has happened over this summer, making time fly like never before. First my grandfather, then weddings galore, now engagement. That doesn't sound so bad in words, but boy-howdy, my body felt that like a nuclear stress-bomb. Now, as August is dawning to an end, I can finally sit down and reflect.

First of all, Grandpa got a test result back yesterday saying that his abnormal protein cell count in the blood dropped 40 percent! There were a bunch of side-effects that weren't planned and by no mean desirable, but seeing results is a flicker of hope that hopefully makes it worth it! Almost. Seeing the affects of cancer take over a person might be one of the worst experiences in my life. Yet, there is a sense of...what would you call it? not so much joy, or hope, but a mixture of relief and understanding when you know this is not the end of the story. That even if this disease takes him from this world, we should rejoice for we know his soul will be freed for eternity. The heartache comes to those left behind. It's a hard concept to come to terms with, but when the Bible speaks of "peace beyond understanding" it makes sense.

On other side of the emotional spectrum, weddings. Where one life is ending, a new one is beginning...sort of. Who would have thought that three weddings I made commitments to would fall within the same two weeks, then have the surprise of my own engagement to top it off? Time machine please. This reflection time is where I realize everything that I could have done better. Live in learn, right? During this month I think I shaved some years off my life. My best friend from childhood was planning her big day and I, being a virgin maid of honor, was clueless. Emotions flared, words were said,  now a joyous event was tarnished and a rift entered a friendship. Of course both sides have endless amount of excuses and reasons how the other was to blame, but the bottom line is that I wasn't the person I should have been for her. I'm sorry about that. At the same time though, I'm hurt and can't seem to just let it go as if nothing happened. Humans have a funny habit of that.

 During that particular time, my mother's mom was rushed into the hospital here in Billings. Thinking she was on her deathbed, I spent the night in the ICU waiting room, keeping my mom updated while she tried to catch the first flight from DC.  We had an unplanned family reunion as all of my grandmother's children flew in to say goodbye. Luckily, it wasn't the case. She recovered despite doctors and science's belief! Miraculous to be blunt. During this hectic time in hospital one, my father's dad was in recovery in hospital two. Long story short, I saw more hospital during that week that I care for in my lifetime. I learned something though (can you imagine?). Life is so fragile and too short for trivial disputes. Forgive. Forget. Move on. Live happy. Simple to say, difficult to accomplish. Challenge accepted.

My mom had planned a visit to her dad in Missouri. That's a long drive so she asked me to tag along. psh.. yes! Road trips are my favorite! Especially with my crazy mom who I haven't seen enough of this past year! Even faster flew that week and mildly rushed. My fault. My fiancee had paid for me to fly out to visit him in San Diego-my future home. That's a whole other can of warms  I'll have to expand on another time. Mom time is probably the best time. An almost month-long  break from Billings was definitely needed after that crazy July. Not taking for granted that I am fortunate enough to have such opportunities. This is becoming increasingly obvious through this whole ordeal and I will seize them!

At the end of every thought, breath, day, event, EVERYTHING: Praise God. My heart is thirsty and He grants me grace continually when I least deserve it.