It takes one to know one

Why do you avoid? If you're anything like me, it's because you know what's coming, and you also know it's not going to be pretty. Know that all too common phrase, "it takes one to know one"? That story rings oh too true in this case.

No one likes to be uncomfortable, so naturally, you avoid such situations. When I know that I am disappointing my dad, the first thing I do is steer clear of him. Not because I love him less or anything, but because I know what he'll say, it'll be the truth, and it will hurt. Frankly, I don't want to hear that some times. But once the inevitable confrontation actually comes to face, it's rarely as bad as I once thought. At least with instances with my dad, I actually gain more from it because he teaches me a valuable lesson (even if it may annoy me), in the end, I grow.

Obviously, not all circumstances are the same, or with such benefiting endings. The most common thing I try and avoid is talking to people. I'm bad at it. Even worse is when it is talking about something that I know they will not like. It's the easy way out, avoidance. Maybe that's why I am such a procrastinator. If I don't like something, I put it off until I can dodge it no longer. May also be why I am a people please-er. I can't say "no" because I am afraid of what they will say or do so instead of causing an uncomfortable exchange, I just nod and do whatever it is. That about killed me this summer.

I came to realize that all this made me weaker of a person, if anything. Procrastinating, avoidance, putting off the disagreeable etc... You have to face your fears to become stronger, you have to put up with unfamiliar situations to know how to better handle the next one or to expand your general knowledge.

I finally said no to someone (think my elders wanted a fanfare to enter the coffee shop). Without going into great detail and look like I'm just being a drama queen, I'll try to explain.  I suppose the "situation" started a long while ago. It grew into something more monstrous because I was adhering to the other person's feelings and interest more than my own. Which is perfectly fine when it comes down to being a loving servant. But when it came time to switch the rolls, I was left stranded by selfishness.

I purposely procrastinated the stated conversation because I knew it wouldn't be easy. When the person flat out cut me out of their life instead of hearing my reasons made me think that their avoidance of me was similar to my own self defense mechanism. They don't want to hear my reasons because they already know them, and they know I am right. So be a coward and run away. I don't think I'm missing out on much any way.

My rant has ended.

Now that I am aware of such instances, I am starting to notice their occurrences more often, even if on a smaller scale. Some times it ends up hurting the people I love most. Just because I don't know what to say/do and it makes me uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's alright to run. Confront such problems head on and the worse that could happen is you'll be surrounded by people who love you as much as you love them.

Get cape. Wear cape. Fly.

You fear the unknown. True statement buddy. I was looking into schools to enroll into in San Diego. Researching the course work, I found myself a little timid at the idea of starting anew. It's a big city. It'll be a big school full of more people that I don't know. Is that really what I am afraid of? I have been to new places. I have been to "big" places. That's all part of the adjusting process. But then I thought about what would happen if I actually graduated. Then what? No more school?! That's a thing? Think I smell a problem here. I'm scared to have a real job with real responsibilities. All I have ever known thus far in life is being a student and have crappy part time labor jobs. I don't really know what it is to have "real responsibility" and actually make a living from it. Maybe that's why I joke about being a housewife and stay at home mom. Well, let's be honest. I'm not joking about that stuff. I'm tired of the crummy part time gigs, but I'm not confident enough for anything more. I'm scared to figure it out because it's new. It's all in a dark shady alley where I've never been. It's scary. I need some big girl panties....or a cape.

Wild Things

I take comfort not just from words on a page, but also from a different message- the images I see written on the sky, the configurations of a flock of birds, the gift of a glossy chestnut. In dew, rocks, rain, flowers, finches, I see devine syllables of light and color that say "I care for you." Wild things find their way through the wilderness, as do I.