It takes one to know one

Why do you avoid? If you're anything like me, it's because you know what's coming, and you also know it's not going to be pretty. Know that all too common phrase, "it takes one to know one"? That story rings oh too true in this case.

No one likes to be uncomfortable, so naturally, you avoid such situations. When I know that I am disappointing my dad, the first thing I do is steer clear of him. Not because I love him less or anything, but because I know what he'll say, it'll be the truth, and it will hurt. Frankly, I don't want to hear that some times. But once the inevitable confrontation actually comes to face, it's rarely as bad as I once thought. At least with instances with my dad, I actually gain more from it because he teaches me a valuable lesson (even if it may annoy me), in the end, I grow.

Obviously, not all circumstances are the same, or with such benefiting endings. The most common thing I try and avoid is talking to people. I'm bad at it. Even worse is when it is talking about something that I know they will not like. It's the easy way out, avoidance. Maybe that's why I am such a procrastinator. If I don't like something, I put it off until I can dodge it no longer. May also be why I am a people please-er. I can't say "no" because I am afraid of what they will say or do so instead of causing an uncomfortable exchange, I just nod and do whatever it is. That about killed me this summer.

I came to realize that all this made me weaker of a person, if anything. Procrastinating, avoidance, putting off the disagreeable etc... You have to face your fears to become stronger, you have to put up with unfamiliar situations to know how to better handle the next one or to expand your general knowledge.

I finally said no to someone (think my elders wanted a fanfare to enter the coffee shop). Without going into great detail and look like I'm just being a drama queen, I'll try to explain.  I suppose the "situation" started a long while ago. It grew into something more monstrous because I was adhering to the other person's feelings and interest more than my own. Which is perfectly fine when it comes down to being a loving servant. But when it came time to switch the rolls, I was left stranded by selfishness.

I purposely procrastinated the stated conversation because I knew it wouldn't be easy. When the person flat out cut me out of their life instead of hearing my reasons made me think that their avoidance of me was similar to my own self defense mechanism. They don't want to hear my reasons because they already know them, and they know I am right. So be a coward and run away. I don't think I'm missing out on much any way.

My rant has ended.

Now that I am aware of such instances, I am starting to notice their occurrences more often, even if on a smaller scale. Some times it ends up hurting the people I love most. Just because I don't know what to say/do and it makes me uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's alright to run. Confront such problems head on and the worse that could happen is you'll be surrounded by people who love you as much as you love them.

Get cape. Wear cape. Fly.

You fear the unknown. True statement buddy. I was looking into schools to enroll into in San Diego. Researching the course work, I found myself a little timid at the idea of starting anew. It's a big city. It'll be a big school full of more people that I don't know. Is that really what I am afraid of? I have been to new places. I have been to "big" places. That's all part of the adjusting process. But then I thought about what would happen if I actually graduated. Then what? No more school?! That's a thing? Think I smell a problem here. I'm scared to have a real job with real responsibilities. All I have ever known thus far in life is being a student and have crappy part time labor jobs. I don't really know what it is to have "real responsibility" and actually make a living from it. Maybe that's why I joke about being a housewife and stay at home mom. Well, let's be honest. I'm not joking about that stuff. I'm tired of the crummy part time gigs, but I'm not confident enough for anything more. I'm scared to figure it out because it's new. It's all in a dark shady alley where I've never been. It's scary. I need some big girl panties....or a cape.

Wild Things

I take comfort not just from words on a page, but also from a different message- the images I see written on the sky, the configurations of a flock of birds, the gift of a glossy chestnut. In dew, rocks, rain, flowers, finches, I see devine syllables of light and color that say "I care for you." Wild things find their way through the wilderness, as do I.

Just Watching Flamingos

People are funny, funny creatures. We think we are so random or unique but really, SOOO predictable. Yet, I'm constantly surprised.

Every girl grows up with a prince charming dancing in their imaginations. Some reason though, I didn't. I didn't want to get married, and I certainly didn't want children. Suddenly that mindset changed. It wasn't even the growing up part-though I am sure that's part of it. The biggest curve-ball, was the fact that I didn't even see it coming. If you would have told me four months ago I would be engaged before the end of the summer, I would have laughed orange juice out my nose.

I moved into my grandparents' basement in hopes of change in scenery to refresh my spirit. I was pretty depressed after the "worst year of my life!" (soo dramatic...) I didn't come searching for a mate per say, but certainly that's always in the back of my mind. I came to help but also for a new sort of adventure. Of course I start trying to meet people and find myself measuring guys up to see if I would date them. Ridiculous, I know! I was getting annoyed with it myself. Thinking about starting another relationship sounded more exhausting than exciting... red flag? Right when I was starting to consider how to become a nun, a thought struck me out of the blue sky-or burrito more like. I remember it clearly....

Mary was my "adopted Sheridan mother" during my time in Sheridan. I, along with my boyfriend at the time, were good friends with her son. Jeffrey joined the Navy and disappeared off the face of the earth (Wyoming is pretty much it's own planet).  I grew up in the military. My Dad was Army and is now National Guard, my uncles and aunts are all military in some form, and my brothers both did their share. I'm no stranger to how tough that life can be. So  tried to encourage him with letters and care packages because that's what friends do.

Distance is another funny thing. The first year of his being over in South Carolina, we weren't able to talk much. He was pretty busy being molded into US property and I was still going steady in school. But then school ended, decisions had to be made and....that's where my "hard time" started. For some reason, Jeffrey trusted me. Even before he left, he would tell me things that he normally wouldn't tell his friends. And even stranger, I understood how confidential this really was and didn't tell anyone. It wasn't until he was gone that I was able to confide in him. Was it because he trusted me first? Or just the fact he knew both sides of the story and still chose to talk to me. I felt pretty lucky to have such a good friend, even if he was thousands of miles away. The second year we were able to talk more, and so we did.

I would talk through all my struggles with him because I lacked those deeper level friendships that would understand.  He would tell me the truth. I believed him. Likewise, he would share his own doubts and insecurities. We talked about literally everything. Awkward, weird, crazy, off the wall, you name it! We got serious sometimes, too. We both struggled in our love lives. As friends, we could talk about such things. I would tell him about certain guys I was interested in to get his "guy info" view and I would do the same for him (friend zone flag). This is probably the greatest friendship to have. We were honest from the get-go.  We never had to try and impress each other, so we never "put up a face." From just having fun together came honesty and through that honesty came the truest form of love. We weren't trying to gain points from being the better friend. We weren't keeping tabs. We were just two young souls trying to make sense of the world and before us was the greatest gift you could have.

By the end of that year, we both realized how awesome we were and he was truly my best friend.


Mary was bringing her father to the hospital in Billings for treatments and appointments and such, and since I was here now, we would try to meet up, even if it were just for coffee. This particular day, however, was a little more exciting. Jeffrey had finished his schooling in South Carolina and was on his way home for a month before he was to be stationed in California. I haven't seen this kid in two years. I was pretty stoked to say it mildly. Mary and I decided to meet for lunch and over my burrito we were reminiscing over what Jeffrey had really accomplished. It was rather interesting to get his mother's raw view of the situation. While listening to this mother talk about her son with such pride, I heard the faintest of voice in the back of my head, "the key to a man's heart is through his mother." In which I replied, "If I were ever to date Jeffrey, I'd have that in the bag!" I quickly pushed the thought from my mind. Jeffrey was my best friend and I did not want to ruin it with something so silly! Not only that, but the fact that he was one of my ex-boyfriend's best friends AND to top it off, I was friends with Jeffrey's ex-girlfriend who was still nursing her wounds from their break-up. I couldn't do that to her and neither could Jeffrey do that to his friend. That's breaking every guy/girl code in the book! One mess I'd rather steer clear of.

I saw Jeffrey the following day. I met with him and his dad for some lunch before they went up to the airport to pick up Jeffrey's sister. It was Sunday and I was still wearing my dress from church. I could have changed, but for some reason, I wanted to look nice-though I wouldn't admit it ;). I was half expecting the conversation to be awkward. I have hung out with his parents quite a bit actually since he's been gone, but having not seeing this kid in years I thought it was be like re-meeting. Oh how I was mistaken. It was as if he never left.

A little part of me flipped with excitement. Now I was in a pickle. The person I would usually run to at this time was the person I was questioning about. Should I just stick my neck out there or will it turn the whole friendship awkward when he didn't feel the same? Was just lonely or was I truly falling in love?  Then there was the awful triangle mess. I resulted to dismiss the ordeal as nothing....well sort of. As a giddy little girl, I had to know. So I cornered him to make him talk. I like to think I know him a little and I could tell he wasn't telling me something. Or it was more like I was hoping I was interpreting it right and wasn't an idiot.

I got my answer during our late-night texting.  I can't really remember the conversation or how it went but I do remember his exact words of one text in particular: "I am actually falling in love with you." (alcohol and texting, it just somehow makes you brave) So I wasn't and idiot. I wasn't alone. But instead of jumping with excitement, I cried.

I can see why men are so confused by females. I'm confused by myself constantly and I can never explain it. Why was I crying? Isn't that what I wanted to hear? I even had an inkling that it was coming in the first place.  It was at this point all the questions and doubts started to flood in. What about my friend? What does he think about that? What if it feels like I'm dating my brother? What if we don't work out and we end up never speaking again? I cannot lose my best friend.

The next morning his words were constantly buzzing through my head and I had a new sensation come over me. I was content. Again, I couldn't explain why.

Through all our discussions we had a mutual understanding of what dating was all about. It was about finding your spouse. We knew each other's values and goals in life, and I already loved him as a friend. After a short discussion, we agreed to try the dating thing. I finally convinced myself with the thought, "hey, what could be better than possibly marrying your best friend?" After the first kiss (didn't feel like kissing my brother!) I knew that this was fate and started laughing. (once more, female emotions are confusing) It all made perfect sense! After everything that happened that past miserable year, I'd run to Jeffrey, I valued his opinions and when he told me I believed him. All this time searching for someone to have by my side forever, and he was right in front of me the whole time! (Meanwhile he was just trying to conquer the friend zone.)

It didn't take long to realize that I knew I would marry this man.

God Winks

Taking a plate full of gnawed-raw corncobs across the driveway, thinking about how much I loved lemon cookies' sweet crumbs lingering in my mouth, when a meteoroid  streaked across the twilight sky interrupting my thoughts in mid-stride. As I watched the remnants fade back into the  murky sky my heart smiled. "Shooting star, make a wish" I said but I could not come up with anything. Am I the only one that thinks there is time limit on wishing stars? If you have to think too long about a wish then maybe you don't even need one.     Instead, my heart smiled. Not with excitement or twitterpation (now a word), but of sweet contentment knowing everything is going to be just fine. Maybe even more than fine, but absolutely wonderful in its own way. Perhaps it was just a wink from the Big Guy reminding me who's really in control.

There's so much going on. All the time. My people-pleasing attributes turn into faults. Summers may be more stressful than Christmas season!  Though through all of this, I can't help but smile. I have been so blessed in so many areas of my life. I have a family and friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. But when they all start to collide, I forget where to put my focus. It is quite funny how fast and frequent priorities shift. There's always a moment when I feel my decisions hurt people and I can't help it. Some decisions are more selfish than others, but a girl is allowed that every once in a while, right?

A lot has happened over this summer, making time fly like never before. First my grandfather, then weddings galore, now engagement. That doesn't sound so bad in words, but boy-howdy, my body felt that like a nuclear stress-bomb. Now, as August is dawning to an end, I can finally sit down and reflect.

First of all, Grandpa got a test result back yesterday saying that his abnormal protein cell count in the blood dropped 40 percent! There were a bunch of side-effects that weren't planned and by no mean desirable, but seeing results is a flicker of hope that hopefully makes it worth it! Almost. Seeing the affects of cancer take over a person might be one of the worst experiences in my life. Yet, there is a sense of...what would you call it? not so much joy, or hope, but a mixture of relief and understanding when you know this is not the end of the story. That even if this disease takes him from this world, we should rejoice for we know his soul will be freed for eternity. The heartache comes to those left behind. It's a hard concept to come to terms with, but when the Bible speaks of "peace beyond understanding" it makes sense.

On other side of the emotional spectrum, weddings. Where one life is ending, a new one is beginning...sort of. Who would have thought that three weddings I made commitments to would fall within the same two weeks, then have the surprise of my own engagement to top it off? Time machine please. This reflection time is where I realize everything that I could have done better. Live in learn, right? During this month I think I shaved some years off my life. My best friend from childhood was planning her big day and I, being a virgin maid of honor, was clueless. Emotions flared, words were said,  now a joyous event was tarnished and a rift entered a friendship. Of course both sides have endless amount of excuses and reasons how the other was to blame, but the bottom line is that I wasn't the person I should have been for her. I'm sorry about that. At the same time though, I'm hurt and can't seem to just let it go as if nothing happened. Humans have a funny habit of that.

 During that particular time, my mother's mom was rushed into the hospital here in Billings. Thinking she was on her deathbed, I spent the night in the ICU waiting room, keeping my mom updated while she tried to catch the first flight from DC.  We had an unplanned family reunion as all of my grandmother's children flew in to say goodbye. Luckily, it wasn't the case. She recovered despite doctors and science's belief! Miraculous to be blunt. During this hectic time in hospital one, my father's dad was in recovery in hospital two. Long story short, I saw more hospital during that week that I care for in my lifetime. I learned something though (can you imagine?). Life is so fragile and too short for trivial disputes. Forgive. Forget. Move on. Live happy. Simple to say, difficult to accomplish. Challenge accepted.

My mom had planned a visit to her dad in Missouri. That's a long drive so she asked me to tag along. psh.. yes! Road trips are my favorite! Especially with my crazy mom who I haven't seen enough of this past year! Even faster flew that week and mildly rushed. My fault. My fiancee had paid for me to fly out to visit him in San Diego-my future home. That's a whole other can of warms  I'll have to expand on another time. Mom time is probably the best time. An almost month-long  break from Billings was definitely needed after that crazy July. Not taking for granted that I am fortunate enough to have such opportunities. This is becoming increasingly obvious through this whole ordeal and I will seize them!

At the end of every thought, breath, day, event, EVERYTHING: Praise God. My heart is thirsty and He grants me grace continually when I least deserve it.

a life well lived

Ecclesiastes is a sad, sad book.

Solomon, the wisest man that lived, blessed with every earthly pleasure, felt that it was all useless. Everything is meaningless if life is not centered on God. How many people do you know who have the world but are still miserable?

The conclusion of the book is:

Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. (12:13)

Keep his commandments.

Commandments in a nutshell: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind and love your neighbor as yourself.”

“…the greatest of these is love.”

I have only seen my father cry a handful of times. Maybe only once or twice during a movie, but I have seen him choke-up on a number of occasions. There is something about seeing a grown man break that awakens the soul. Not just any man, but my father. As a little girl, dad was THE man. The greatest on earth! As I’ve grown to know him more, so have I grown to value his wisdom.

This particular emotional moment was brought up concerning his parents, naturally. He described the worse feeling he has ever witnessed in his 50 years of earthly-existence. Through this whole ordeal he has helplessly watched his father in the most gruesome of pain. No doubt anyone would agree that it would be awful to see such an event, or even the thought of losing such a loved one is heartbreaking. Yes these are all realities of the human existence. But this was not what my father called the “worst.”

Something you should know about my grandpa.  He grew up surviving the great depression in the worst kind of way. Youngest of 7 kids with his single mother. He beat all the odds, graduated college and built a life for himself and his family with his own two hands (almost literally).  He saved every penny he could for the future. Work, work, work. Save, save, save. All through these years he knew the value of keeping mental and physical health and doing everything possible to keep the inevitable decay of life at bay. Of course he knew this day would come, we all do.

Dad, after just witnessing his father go through such horrific pain-complete with moments of coma where the brain shut down the body to escape it-describes the scariest emotion of all:

the moment grandpa looked up at my dad after struggling with a math puzzle.  His eyes met dad’s with big, round childlike eyes expressing fear. Fear is what struck my father in the heart with a pin. Grandpa was realizing that the bitter end was near, that he was actually losing his cognitive abilities.

Grandpa had retired and had all this money to enjoy it with so he thinks he feels regret. Regret for not living the life he thought he should. They should have traveled the world! He tells me now that while I’m young, enjoy what I can no matter the cost. Is that what will bring me joy and happiness when my end comes?

Dad says no.  Dad’s thinking is that what grandpa thinks what would make him happy, and what really would have brought him joy, are two different things.

A life well lived is knowing God and keeping his commands. To listen, and to love. To love God’s people. Our soul purpose on this rock is not to see what we can gain, but is to see what we can give. To enjoy life!Take the time to smell the roses, to hear the birds, feel the breeze, love.

Grandma is also fearful. She lived under grandpa’s wing since she was the tender age of 17. As she realizes she is about to lose her life partner, she is also realizing this is not her world any more. Computers, airplanes, cell phones, and internet all are beyond her. Not only is she a stranger, now she will be alone.

Thinking back to my visit to Europe, I was an outsider to the world I found myself in. Even if I knew how to get around by myself, having someone who was a native (even if it was just a child) would have been comforting. To just not be alone.

Though I am young and naïve in so many ways, I know I am here to love. to love by service is what I thought. I was struggling a bit recently with the thought that I wasn’t doing enough. That I was more of a burden than actual help or value. Sure I can do little house keeping chores but it all seemed meaningless. This realization by my father awoken my senses. Even if I am just here to listen, to be a friend in this crazy world, I help in the smallest way of comforting which may not be so small at all.

This is me learning how to love. And that, I think , is the most fulfilling thing of all.

Pray, hope, love. Lather, rinse, repeat.

OK, it has been a while since I made an update on life to this audience. Isn't that the point of this thing to keep my audience captive with my little life story? ;) tehe, just kidding. But alas, here I am.

Grandpappy finished his first round of Chemotherapy without great incidence which is a great praise. He is due for back surgery on Thursday.  The surgeon said that this should have happened a long time ago! So it was kind of a rush to get him in. He explained the procedure had a 50-50 chance of success. Not of life or death, but in deciding weather or not he will walk again.  This is where I see the greatest faith coming out of my grandfather.  His quiet, contempt demeanor speaks louder than his words.  All of this is out of our control.  Once you realize who truly holds the deciding hand in this situation (really, the whole deck of cards), you can't help but be filled with a peace that is out of our understanding.  Grandma though, is a mess with fret. Maybe not a really a mess, but there is definitely some stress in her eyes. Can you blame her?  

The surgery itself is a doozy. They will take out a rib, get to his spine through his front, reconstruct his shattered vertebra with the rib and hope it heals so that his spinal chord will no longer be pinched and thus regaining his ability to walk on his own. 50/50 chance isn't exactly what you want to hear, but what choice do we have? All we can do is prepare with non ceasing prayer and have faith that God knows what is best, regardless of the outcome. This is the next big step.

A few of my favorite things

Useless trivia knowledge you may never want to know

I heard the best way to not worry is to pray and be grateful.   So here I bring publicly the little things I am thankful for (and possibly take for granted) every day:

1. Coffee. More specifically, that quiet moment first thing in the morning with freshly ground roasted beans. The aroma, the moment, the taste, all come together in perfect harmony. If I could chose, I would have a double espresso macchiato with every sunrise.  Two shots of espresso poured over a dollop of milk foam served in the cutest of all miniature cups. -I'm not finished- As you will well guess, espresso isn't the most, um... satisfactory of flavors (especially if you haven't been to Europe). To counter the bitter punch, a swirl of honey (or packet of natural sugar) and to add a hint of sweet, a dash of cinnamon. Perfeccion. Stir. Savor.

2. Food. In every sense. Extravagant dinners to simple snacks. Recently I discovered the wonderful world of warm goat cheese with honey....try it! There is a sense of 'zen' when it comes to preparing meals as well. and baking. Me, myself, and a fridge full of opportunity. When I find myself thinking too much, prepping a good meal is a good way to avoid an emotional breakdown of sorts.

3. Sun rises/sets. I have to stop and just feel the moment. I like to run atop hills to watch the sun rise, but also take a particular liking when the sky takes my breath away totally off-guard. Then I'm reminded of the love that radiates in my bones, and who can't help but smile at such a thought!

4. Music. Isn't it interesting how there seems to be a song for EVERY mood you find yourself in? I love how a melody can flow through me at tap my heart stings in ways I didn't know possible.

5. Stars. It has been too long since I have visited the mountain and could truly drink in the heavens in their entity (as much as you can on land any ways).  If you want to feel how awesome your God is, that's one way to do it.

6. Footed pajamas. (self explanatory)

Of course this list could go on for days! But perhaps I shall save that for another post ;)

Devo's Rainy Day Playlist

When the rain is falling I love to curl up on the couch, clutching a good book and a cup o' tea with these tunes running in the background.

Caution: may cause bouts of dancing

Yiruma - A River Flows In You

Go ahead, put it on repeat... 

Augustana - Sunday Best

"don't look back. don't look back..."

The Honey Trees - To Be With You

"Oh I could sail the world,

Search through the darkest waters but

I'd never find 

These golden eyes"

Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her

"...Can't see past her scarlet letter

and we never even met her..."

Ingrid Michaelson - Parachute

"Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night

and you are you're own worst enemy, You'll never win the fight"

Walk The Moon - Anna Sun

"We got no money but we got heart"

-Also, I'm going to learn how to dance from this guy-

Awolnation - Sail

"Blame it on my ADD baby

...SAIL..."

Adele - Rolling In the Deep

"Throw your soul through every open door

Count your blessings to find what you look for

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold

You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow"

The Afters - Beautiful Love

"Maybe our love will catch like fire

As it burns through me.."

The Power of Forgiveness

I wrote this a while ago in my old blog, but I think it would be fitting to share again

Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life-Proverbs 4:23

Have you really considered what that means? What does it mean by "guard" and "wellspring".  Traveling always allows me a unique time of self-discovery via soul searching.  This verse has a whole new meaning.

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks-Matthew 12:34

My mouth can run away from me at times.  Right after that moment: "GASP, why did I say that? It's not like me..."  We have a filter to learn how to be socially acceptable.  Though my appearance and character may seem like I have good intentions, I have thoughts that are troubling. I think it's my mind that's troubled... but it comes from the heart. It is a bitter, 'broken', rotting heart that causes these 'unspeakable' moments... The heart comes out in every aspect of life, wellspring.  This bitterness I'm becoming aware of, carries over into my new relationships, into my job, my school... family. Everything.

I always thought I was made bitter. I think this way because someone owes me something.  He stole something from me. He owes me my happiness! Do you hear your own words!? He didn't do what I expected. So HE made me unhappy and bitter.... really? Now, that's not right.  Makes me giggle now talking it through.  It is me who is letting him control my life still...years later. He's keeping me from being happy? HA, no silly, YOU are letting it hang over you. YOU are doing it to YOURSELF. The true source of my bitterness is just projected upon him. Because really, he did nothing. He owes me nothing. Even if he did, what can he do to make it better? Nothing. You can't change the past. I made a point to clear him of his debts. To forgive him. Let it go. Symbolically through fire, there is nothing left to dwell on, just the next chapter of my life.

During this 'revolutionary forgiveness' I discovered a few layers of my heart.  There, buried deep in my sub-conscience, I found what was truly bothering me. I can't forgive myself. I am angry with me. I couldn't admit it, let alone fix it!  Funny how clearly one can see, once the step is taken back.  I was living in this daydream for so long.  It should have popped sooner.  This anger isn't from me, it couldn't be me. I am perfect, flawless, everything anyone could want.... of course it's not me .Silly girl, swallowed in self-pity. Make the world feel sorry for me, I'm the victim!  Now I see, standing in my own destruction. First step-seeing what it truly is. Second, acceptance.

Mr. Time has taken his toll. I can't change the past, but I can decide how the past controls me.  This is all very silly, really.  I can actually laugh out loud now!  When I told him I forgave him, he wasn't the one in need of forgiveness, I was!  The liberation of this realization!  My smile is genuine again!  I can talk to him again and giggle at how silly it really was.  I was just three years behind  in the high school drama department.

That chapter has ended now. Thankfully, I can carry on.  My heart one step closer to being free of bitterness!  I'm not about finding my husband. A side story dealing with a second relationship where my bitterness ruined is where all this soul searching started.  Glad  I have that over with as well. Sooner the better! I know now that companionship is not what this heart is longing for-maybe eventually, but not now. Adventure. There is so much to discover and learn and to grow! That is what my new chapter is titled.  It may break me, financially and spiritually, but I am so excited! I'll take it. If i find companionship along the way, great! However, that is not my goal. New friendships from new faces in new places!

I.

Will.

Win.

For where your heart is, there your treasure will be also.

Am I just THAT awkward, or has society changed THAT much?

What happened to feeling welcomed when you walk into the front doors of a church?  I remember feeling apart of a family once. One that genuinely cared for ANYONE who stepped through their doors not just the young and "potential."  

My grandparents have been to a countless number of churches since they've lived here over the 10 years.  Why haven't they found one that stuck? They have friends visit from their time in Cody and the church family they had there. What's the difference? When they were in Cody, they had children. The children brought the families together through activities. Now that they're elderly, they're constantly over-looked as if they have no value (or at least, that's how they feel). I've walked into a number of churches by myself since I've moved away from home. I've always wanted to run away at some point. I even joined a small group for a short time and never felt like I belonged. I kept going, thinking I'd meet some people and have a good friend base. Three years passed and I know no one noticed me move, do they even remember my name?
  
What is wrong with this picture? What do I have to do to find a place of worship, fellowship and growth with some quality people to eventually develop friendship? The last two attempts of a new church, everyone had their own  little cliques. They didn't give me (or my one and only friend) a second glimpse, even when we sat next to them.

I know I cannot be the only one.  What if someone who doesn't have a personal relationship with Christ walks into one of these doors and feels as alienated as I did? They probably wouldn't give it a second chance. This is a problem that breaks my heart. It's not just church either. It's society.

When did our society stop caring about people? How many of you actually know your neighbors? We all lock up our cars and houses because we don't trust anyone. Just 10 short years ago I remember our neighbors looked out for each other. Now we are lucky to know their names.  Walking around campus no one makes eye contact or smiles to say a simple "hello." Everyone is wrapped up in their own little worlds of cell phones and iPods barely noticing the world around them. 
Then there's Facebook.
What happened to calling people because you genuinely care about them and what to know how they are? What happened to paying home visits just to fellowship? (Or my personal favorite, snail mail?)
I don't like what I am observing, and I don't know how to solve it. They say "be the change you want to see in the world" but I'm afraid it will take more than that. 
At least it's a start. 

You don't even need a hammock.

If you had to pick a last meal, what would it be?
If you could do one thing before you died, what would you do?
If you wanted to be remembered for one thing, and only one, what would it be?

When you realize how fragile and fleeting life is, you pick out what's important.
It may even surprise you.
Birds singing.
Flowers blooming.
Children laughing.
What is heard when you stop the noise of every day life.

It may have taken me twenty minutes and 70 different combinations but I can sway in a hammock with my butt actually off the ground (yeah, definitely spoiled). There's only a short time that I can enjoy this delicacy. Being so far north, winter comes fast. Also, my tether trunks are trees that grow apples (and we all know the story of how gravity entered our history books). Besides the point. I went out with the intention of napping on a warm spring afternoon. It had to be a perfect 70 degrees with just the right amount of breeze under a canopy of leaves. Sleep did not come to me. I found myself instead listening to all that was happening around me. Birds chattering, people bbq-ing in backyards, families playing Frisbee in the field of grass and children giggling delightfully at the park. I find it amazing how much I take this life for granted. 'Tis truly a beautiful world. It only takes a quiet moment to stir the heart. I am a stranger in a new city, unemployed and definitely not studying for finals. And that's (boredom?) what it took for me to actually stop and listen. It has been there all along.
It is a beautiful world, take a moment to enjoy it. You don't even need a hammock.

Spiders, lobsters and Yoga-oh my

Why are spiders so scary? I know it's probably just me, but I can take a live, crawling, pinching, weird-eyed lobster and plop him in a vat of boiling water just fine (they scream, by the way). Then take a knife and dismember them. But I can't sleep if I see a spider scuttle across my floor into some unreachable space. Terrified. Really? I have to ask myself but there is no answer.

On another note. I have a set of goals for this summer. I won't overwhelm you with them all, but today I thought I should pick up meditation. A little birdy told me it was good for concentration-needed- and I also read that it is the act of listening...apparently I'm terrible at listening. I can't sit my body still for ten minutes (maybe why college didn't go so well) let alone still my brain for any amount of time!
Challenge accepted.
The key is  not to fall asleep.

Sleep has been a stranger to me for some time now. Maybe a meditation/sleep combo won't be so bad.
Spiders under my bed, challenges to figure out along with tasty meals to make for my grandpa before he loses his appetite are going to keep me up this night.

The search for meaning and the growth in listening

As a human I am always searching for a meaning in life or that feeling of fulfillment. My thought was that I will find fulfillment in this crazy game when I carry out my purpose. As a Christian,  I find my comfort in my Lord Jesus. Yet I never felt like I was on the right path; not where He wanted me to be.
For the first time in my 22 years of life, I finally feel I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.  My hope for this blog is to document my journey of growth and self-discovery.
Here's a brief background:


God's part is to place us where He wants us; our part is to shine. 


God gave me a servant's heart. I'm a shy little girl who loves being behind the scenes.  In school, I chose a career path in the service industry and graduated with two associates. It still didn't feel right (however, at the point, I wasn't exactly "walking on the right path" either).  So I continued my education at the University.  Without going to into great detail, God set up the right amount of road blocks to get my attention and change my direction (nothing like I had planned to say the least).
As the longest academic year of my life finally drew to an end, I had no desire to continue school, living under the poverty-line working miserable part-time jobs or even continue to live in that town. I didn't have too many options.
My grandfather broke his back while vacationing in the south over the winter. Later, it was determined that his spine was compromised by our greatest fear, cancer. No one ever wants to hear that word.  As I watched my own father's heart ache with an unspeakable pain, I felt my own heart breaking.  Not just for him, or my grandfather, or even me.  
My grandmother has a special influence on my life. As far back as I can remember, she was there. Teaching me how to cook, how to sew, how to be a homemaker-my greatest dream.  To think of what trials she was about to face, I knew what I had to do. Funny how perfect things works out. I needed a place to live without rent (or job) and figure out my life. My grandmum needed an extra pair of hands and maybe a shoulder.
So here I am. A semi-college-dropout (I do plan to continue my schooling...someday), living in my grandparents' basement without a job.
I know it's not going to be easy. How can a spirit be prepared for whatever horrors such a disease can bring? Psalm 46:10 has never been so arduous or prominent: "Be still and know that I am God."  


I put my itching hands to work by becoming a full-time maid (or something like that).  Almost like this is what I was created for. As I adjust to this kind of life, figuring out how I can help best, I am learning a lot about love. My spirits are lifted with the hope of a life-long companionship such as my grandparents'.
There is much more to come. Learning how to listen and follow, how to become a homemaker first hand (without the marriage part), about my dear grandparents, my own parents and a lot about love and perseverance. 


I don't know what to expect, but I hope I will learn how to shine through this dark period.